I have been reading Proverbs over and over, and there are some verses that strike me each time around. One of them is Proverbs 18:1 "He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom". The Spirit has been using this verse to illuminate that I do this. I am guilty of self-isolation. I am guilty of hiding away from others.
"Community" is something of a buzzword in Christian culture right now, but the tangible implications of what that looks like doing and what that looks like giving up are still being worked out in me. I'm still growing into it, watching my limbs fill in the crevices and pushing my arms through sleeves. I'm a strong idealist and I revel in what that looks like, but I'm still in the present process of translating what obedience means at the eye-level of life.
I have come to realize that I face many temptations to "separate myself" as an introvert. There is both a selfish temptation to hoard the things I have been given to steward and a fearful temptation to self-protect by failing to make myself known. As a single, it is easy to settle with focusing on whether my own "needs" are being "met", looking no further than the demands of the daily grind. The hoarding is a bit of keeping my life "neat" for myself in an effort to minimize dissonance and discomfort. But this bothers me. It bothers me that I am content with keeping up with work, paying bills, and having some fun here and there. Joy breaks into a boil when I recognize that I can exchange fleeting things in for eternal things.
The self-protection is a little bit more subtle. It is possible to be "around" your church and fail to be in community. It is possible to be with your church for every meeting and still live unknown. I think we all want others to pursue us, for others to find questions that get to our deepest core. But there is a prideful and fearful kind of isolation that refuses to come outside unless they are pursued with extraordinary persistence and uncanny intuition. It is prideful because I think that I am so "special" that someone should be willing to go to such great lengths to draw me out. It is fear driven because I fear rejection from anyone who didn't prove their acceptance by pursuing me. It bothers me that I use more effort to preserve myself instead of allowing my soul to be revealed. It's only in that place that I can receive counsel and instruction, enjoy fellowship, and comfort others with the Comfort I've received where I've needed it most. It's only there that I can serve others and be served, living as one who is not simply a redeemed individual, but one who is a part of a redeemed people.
It is not good for man to be alone. I am so grateful that being a part of the church means that I don't have to be.
