Following..

God has called me out to the “uncomfortable”. In the midst of my fears and anxieties, he’s been repeating three truths to me:

-He will help me (Is. 41:10)

-He knows the plans that He has for me (Jer. 29:11)

-He is for me (Romans 8:31)

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose… What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.

-Romans 8:28; 31-33

He’s given me Jesus. He will provide all else for His will, my good, and His glory.

Good Things, Revisited

I am a dreamer. I am a romantic. I am an idealist. I don't believe that "reality" should necessarily be viewed as a "threat" to the dreamer's heart. I believe our heart's deepest longing is ultimately met in Jesus. But there are some things I desire..That I yearn for earnestly. And through a painful and sometime confusing process, the Lord has taught me a thousand lessons that are more precious than my immediate relief. I have found a much sweeter love.

One of my favorite verses that I have been musing over has been from Psalm 83:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and a shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.". In the outset, I read the last half of that verse, holding onto the promise as "God is going to give me good things" in expectant hope. Over time, however, I've begun to have another understanding of this verse, which brings me greater joy. I know that He does provide hope for the future, but He also is not withholding any good from me now. Isn't that like the devil, to make us think that God is holding something back from you, that you could be happier, but He's keeping it out of your reach--instead of realizing that He is my good, satisfying reward and portion for right now, and He will supply every need when I need it. But what I am right now, what I have right now, is enough. There is nothing lacking in the sense that God is withholding something from me that would be for my joy and His glory at this moment in time.

I had a talk with a friend recently about her relationship with her boyfriend, and she lamented that when they first started dating, she found her drive for God was gone. She had so much centered her prayers, her longings, her heart, and her faith on this blessing that she sought that once she had it she realized that she had made the blessing the ultimate thing. I pray that I never seek the blessing for the blessing's sake, instead of only desiring that I might know Jesus more through it. I don't want it to become a snare to turn away from Him, but to become another means to know His love, grace, goodness and to worship Him through it. Seeking a blessing itself will only lead to what Ecclesiastes calls "vanity". As the Medieval theologian Augustine put it in his book Confessions,

"The good which you love is from Him. But it is only as it is related to Him that it is good and sweet. Otherwise it will justly become bitter; for all that comes from Him is unjustly loved if He has been abandoned."

May we find our greatest source of joy in Jesus, for He is our good, and the only way to realizing the good within all the good things He gives us.

He is Our Good

To go against God, to turn away from Him, is to reject and to refuse life, peace, love, goodness, purity, freedom, delight and our natural, created purpose; it is to reject a relationship with our God and Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. It is to embrace foolishness, destruction, death, judgement, slavery, spiritual poverty, unrest, greedy discontentment, hatred, dishonor, arrogance (thinking that which is not true about yourself), deception and unfaithfulness towards God. To reject the gospel is to reject all that is good, even to our own death.

Rambles on Perfectionism, Grace and the Gospel

Where do I start? My head and heart are spinning. I try not to make my blogs too diary-esque, but at this point it may become a little touchy-feely/why-don't-you-just-write-this-in-your-journal-like. But because my mind is full of so much, and for the sake of going against my perfectionist legalism which declares the potential for failure enough of a reason to avoid something altogether, I'm going to write. It's silly that I feel the need to justify my reasons for writing anyway...

I feel so many tugs and pulls in my heart and mind lately. I've had tremendous blessings, and yet I've come to see a lot of idols in my heart. Really, does anyone else struggle with condemnation like I do? Does anyone else just find it really hard to find the light of God's grace sometimes because it's like your mind is just drowning in the voices? Legalism and pride have such a strong grip! The Lord offers me no condemnation, but I think I'm a better Christian if I beat myself up about something. When I'm presented with the realization of God's grace, I am sometimes amazed to where it seems too free--it's so radical. I try too hard, or I dream too much about the ideal. And set my own standards strictfully, lawfully above God's. God's called me to faith--a righteousness through faith! A walking by the Spirit. Romans 8, Galatians--it's all over the New Testament. Thank the Lord that the law was not the end--that the law cannot save, but only Jesus. But man o man how amazing did our transgressions show God's amazing heart! Did you ever think about that? How we who have put our faith in Christ can know mercy and grace because of our sin in an amazing, personal way that we might never have known, had the fruit never been eaten? I don't know--or claim to know, or even dare try to know--what it would be like if sin had never entered humanity's heart. But I marvel at the beauty of the gospel shown through so much ugly wickedness. And isn't that what Paul talks about in the Corinthians? How His power is made perfect in weakness? Isn't that what the cross showed--that through the most evil deed of murdering Christ God showed His incredible strength of love, forgiveness and perfect justice? It's too beautiful! It seems too beautiful to be true, doesn't it? Don't let the story of the cross become something you speed read over because you've heard it too much.

Another pull on my heart has been missions. I don't just mean going to another country. I mean sharing the gospel where I am. I don't mean just looking at the great commission as another "law"--although I do believe the Lord has commanded it to us. It sometimes feels like the difference between an extraordinary and ordinary life to me. I've been noticing this, practically, in the way I face school. Last semester I despised my classes..I looked at my campus as a chore, something that was mostly just for "getting my classes"--and seeing it as a hindrance to working at the church. Segregating one part of your life under the title of "Holy work" and another as "Secular Work" can be dangerous, and it will make you hate that which you denote as "ordinary". I believe your whole entire life can be dedicated to Jesus, for His glory and His mission. You can even brush your teeth to the glory of Jesus...I mean is there ever a moment you can't pray, you can't joyfully thank God for everything and meditate upon Him? Your life is new--and new through faith because of what Jesus has done for you!! Ah, how I wish to better realize this...That it didn't end at the cross, but that Jesus rose--that our lives are new, alive, new creatures!! That all of that thick pollution is a part of the "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Cor. 6:11) This destroys our pride. Yep, you did absolutely mess up. Yes, you deserved death. You deserved to be cursed. All that condemnation..You earned it. BUT BUT BUT don't forget what Christ has done!! Recognize your sinfulness outside of Jesus---but realize that sin doesn't define you anymore!! This has been an encouragement to me lately...Christ has given us a new identity. Crazy. And it's not earned!! There is no room for boasting and pride there. Crazy. And so you get no credit for it, it's all 100% HIM.

This being said, what can be said but to declare God's grace...I run as to get the prize. And He gets the glory and worship...No matter what comes along the way or how much I struggle. His grace is ever sufficient. He is good.

Sometimes God highlights verses to me, and sometimes He brings to mind scripture at random times--sometimes even those I haven't read for quite some time. This morning, I woke up with this being repeated over and over (which was, of course, very timely):

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:19)

His Word is alive when the Holy Spirit uses it, speaks it, into our hearts. I need that. We all need that. I find it so easy to fall into legalistic reading, to hide behind knowledge, making the pursuit of truth more important than being changed by Jesus. But the Lord doesn't want obedient robots, those who can speak with perfect christian intelligence, who can baffle an atheist in a debate. He wants surrender. He wants a faith that actually costs us something...That's going to cause us to feel out of control and maybe even panic for some time when we see the cliff's edge so near our feet. This is tough, but the alternative is a life that will never get to fully embrace, taste and see that the Lord is good. Suffering and trials are painful, but there is a special fellowship with Jesus that we get to savor that we couldn't before. Isn't it about loving Jesus, not about getting the christian "gold star"? Oh Lord, save me from loving safety, security, and "perfection" over You...Jesus is so much more beautiful than that.

Mediums of the Heart

What form could contain the organs
Of a heart untold?
Could its essence be poured
into a vial
Scribbled on a page
Stretched out with bow and string?
Perhaps it could be molded
Set in clay
Sealed in envelope
To be flown across the seas
Of If it were caste
Into flesh and marrow
Would it sprout wings
Or crawl without two feet?

Cathedral

How I yearn
in the beams of dawn
Piercing the earth
Like Jacob's ladder
In the hallow chambers
Of heaven
Taking in the perfume
Of nature's sighs
Reverently praising
In this stain glassed chamber

Shadows
Draped, stretched transparent
out to dry
Behind trunk, stem & stone
Stars
wavering, waltzing
on the iris' balcony arches
glittering through austral, wincing glee
Light
landing, aging
x-ray of veins, leafy marrow and pore
Heat
caressing, muffling
warm as the womb
where the heavens were born

Heavenly Dreams

Is it natural to be restless? Is it normal to feel both a need to be accepted, yet always feel a need to shake the mold you've placed yourself in? Is there such a thing as a dream being "fulfilled"? Is there ever a place in life where you can say, "This is it"? Honestly, I am a little afraid of being and feeling settled. It seems like you've become a little too content in a world that isn't meant to be our home. I have some dreams. But I know they won't be as wonderful as I imagine them to be--at least in the sense of them being "ultimate", where the story reaches an end and the journey's rise and climb has reached it's greatest glory. It believe it's like it says in Hebrews, that we look forward to a heavenly country(Heb. 11:6). Yet even so, I believe it gets better. We look forward to a heavenly King.

For most of my life, I have left the Kingdom of God as highly underrated...Transparently, throughout high school I was afraid of it. If Jesus returned, I wouldn't get to see the world, get married, become a worship leader (like the vision God has given me seemed to suggest), finish college and work some kind of job that may actually be enjoyable(in my mind, a writer and/or a worship leader, once again). I think to some degree that some of this was not bad. After all, I wanted to live the life God's given me, and live out His plan for my life. But the longer I live, the more I see how so many of the fairytales that always lay before me dragging me forward are not really something I can run my fingers through. They're either phantoms or figures with a much humbler appearance than I could tell when started earlier on the road. Although this could lead to depression (apart from Christ), it has led me to have different desires stirred up. Dreams of the hope that will never disappoint(Romans 5:5). It is my belief that all of those stirrings were really for my true destiny and future in Christ.

I'm not suggesting that we should all ditch this world and that there is no purpose, meaning, or joy in this place in the here-and-now, but instead, due to my own fault of looking for a climax in this earth, I am bringing to light the beauty of our future inheritance. I do not understand why we do not celebrate the return of Christ more, why there is not an excitement to return to Christ. He has saved us, He is sanctifying us throughout this life day-by-day, and one day..He will complete the work He's begun, and save us from the presence of sin and the flesh completely. Looking through Exodus, when God was establishing the stipulations for the passover, He told the Israelites to hold a feast of celebration(see Exodus 12), one in which their entire calendar would be arranged around. Just as the Israelites celebrated their salvation from the slavery of Egypt, we celebrate both our redemption from the slavery of sin, death and the devil and the anticipation of our freedom to come. I want to be more excited about these wondrous promises! I want to delight and rejoice in the hope that Jesus has saved me, and that one day He is going to come back for us. A very long time after the Exodus, when Jesus was at the last supper with His disciples, He said something beautiful foretelling that He would come back for His bride again: "I tell you I will not drink again of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.”
(Matthew 26:29 ESV) The sweet salvation story of the gospel hasn't ended yet..Jesus is going to come back. And we will see Him face-to-face. Let's get excited about this hope, this day that will fulfill every dream in the person of Jesus Christ.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw a the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”--Revelation 21:1-4