There is a shrinking of the eyes that I am terrified of, a kind of blindness that comes from glazing over the shocking words of Jesus for the sake of retaining my tempur-pedic life.

You will have to bear with me, dear reader, because I am well aware of my own lack of understanding, my lack of wisdom and experience. But I want to be humble enough to trust that the Lord will lead me in this, and correct me like a child in the ways that I am naive, idealistic, or judgmental. Certainly his correction will come in different forms for the rest of my life.

This fear is real, however. I am open to those who would wish to speak to my thoughts. I know that there are those out there who appear to claim that the true Christian lives "radically", lives in the middle of the rainforest with some obscure tribe, distributing Bibles; lives in India freeing young women from sex trafficking, cuddles little babies in orphanages in a country in Africa that they can't even pronounce. These are amazing stories, amazing testimonies that inspire and encourage us.

Sometimes following Jesus looks like this, yes.

But then there is a backlash against this mindset--those who rise to the defense of the obedience in the mundane, the faithful mothers who stay at home to teach their children addition and subtraction in their living room, the men who leave their loved ones at sunrise and arrive to join them for their last meal of the day before slipping into bed.

Sometimes following Jesus looks like this, yes.

My fear, however, lies in the second example.

It is not that I am afraid of living a "boring life". I have never been a risk taker, I have never left the country or broken a bone in my life. I understand that there is no division between the "sacred" and "secular" areas of work, that Jesus is Lord over both of them. What I fear is not so much the circumstances themselves, as my own temptation in them. I pray and hope that the Lord will create in me a steadfastness in the small things, in the things that the world despises but Jesus calls me to. What I fear is that I will assume that because He has called me to a "normal" kind of life, that I will run away from sharing the gospel as He has called us all to do. I'm afraid that I will become so preoccupied with doing my work well that I will declare that is enough. That I will be satisfied with that, and assume He hasn't called me to more.

As I think about this "out loud", I feel although I probably sound condescending to the women out there who have been faithful in the things that look little but are actually very big. Like I said, I am still wrestling through these things. My thoughts haven't reached a conclusion, my heart is very restless in the struggle to understand. I have great respect for both those who "go out" and those who "stay in". I had one friend recently express to me how she didn't know how to share the gospel in her workplace, and I honestly don't know how to do it either. And as far as being a stay-at-home-mom and reaching out--I feel humbled and kind of guilty to talk about it, thinking about mothers I know and love, especially one who has struggled to transition from vocational ministry to being a mother 99% of the time. This new world to me is so foreign and strange, and I am wiggling out of my cocoon with deep passion for following Jesus as a woman in the workplace without knowing exactly how these passions are to be applied.

I'm afraid I will look no further than the untilled earth before me. I fear that I will drink and forget those who thirst, break my bread and forget those who hunger. I'm afraid that I will let my fingers get soft and   grow an ungodly kind of contentment. Surely Jesus will rise me from this kind of slumber, pull out the mattress from under me and speak His conviction over me in that loving yet commanding way that He does. But still, I fear. I hope this is a good kind of fear, a godly kind of fear that means Jesus is keeping me awake to listen and hear His Spirit's leading in both the spiritual and the literal harvest.