Where do I start? My head and heart are spinning. I try not to make my blogs too diary-esque, but at this point it may become a little touchy-feely/why-don't-you-just-write-this-in-your-journal-like. But because my mind is full of so much, and for the sake of going against my perfectionist legalism which declares the potential for failure enough of a reason to avoid something altogether, I'm going to write. It's silly that I feel the need to justify my reasons for writing anyway...
I feel so many tugs and pulls in my heart and mind lately. I've had tremendous blessings, and yet I've come to see a lot of idols in my heart. Really, does anyone else struggle with condemnation like I do? Does anyone else just find it really hard to find the light of God's grace sometimes because it's like your mind is just drowning in the voices? Legalism and pride have such a strong grip! The Lord offers me no condemnation, but I think I'm a better Christian if I beat myself up about something. When I'm presented with the realization of God's grace, I am sometimes amazed to where it seems too free--it's so radical. I try too hard, or I dream too much about the ideal. And set my own standards strictfully, lawfully above God's. God's called me to faith--a righteousness through faith! A walking by the Spirit. Romans 8, Galatians--it's all over the New Testament. Thank the Lord that the law was not the end--that the law cannot save, but only Jesus. But man o man how amazing did our transgressions show God's amazing heart! Did you ever think about that? How we who have put our faith in Christ can know mercy and grace because of our sin in an amazing, personal way that we might never have known, had the fruit never been eaten? I don't know--or claim to know, or even dare try to know--what it would be like if sin had never entered humanity's heart. But I marvel at the beauty of the gospel shown through so much ugly wickedness. And isn't that what Paul talks about in the Corinthians? How His power is made perfect in weakness? Isn't that what the cross showed--that through the most evil deed of murdering Christ God showed His incredible strength of love, forgiveness and perfect justice? It's too beautiful! It seems too beautiful to be true, doesn't it? Don't let the story of the cross become something you speed read over because you've heard it too much.
Another pull on my heart has been missions. I don't just mean going to another country. I mean sharing the gospel where I am. I don't mean just looking at the great commission as another "law"--although I do believe the Lord has commanded it to us. It sometimes feels like the difference between an extraordinary and ordinary life to me. I've been noticing this, practically, in the way I face school. Last semester I despised my classes..I looked at my campus as a chore, something that was mostly just for "getting my classes"--and seeing it as a hindrance to working at the church. Segregating one part of your life under the title of "Holy work" and another as "Secular Work" can be dangerous, and it will make you hate that which you denote as "ordinary". I believe your whole entire life can be dedicated to Jesus, for His glory and His mission. You can even brush your teeth to the glory of Jesus...I mean is there ever a moment you can't pray, you can't joyfully thank God for everything and meditate upon Him? Your life is new--and new through faith because of what Jesus has done for you!! Ah, how I wish to better realize this...That it didn't end at the cross, but that Jesus rose--that our lives are new, alive, new creatures!! That all of that thick pollution is a part of the "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Cor. 6:11) This destroys our pride. Yep, you did absolutely mess up. Yes, you deserved death. You deserved to be cursed. All that condemnation..You earned it. BUT BUT BUT don't forget what Christ has done!! Recognize your sinfulness outside of Jesus---but realize that sin doesn't define you anymore!! This has been an encouragement to me lately...Christ has given us a new identity. Crazy. And it's not earned!! There is no room for boasting and pride there. Crazy. And so you get no credit for it, it's all 100% HIM.
This being said, what can be said but to declare God's grace...I run as to get the prize. And He gets the glory and worship...No matter what comes along the way or how much I struggle. His grace is ever sufficient. He is good.
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