A Waltz in Green

Following..

2011-08-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

God has called me out to the “uncomfortable”. In the midst of my fears and anxieties, he’s been repeating three truths to me:

-He will help me (Is. 41:10)

-He knows the plans that He has for me (Jer. 29:11)

-He is for me (Romans 8:31)

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose… What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies.

-Romans 8:28; 31-33

He’s given me Jesus. He will provide all else for His will, my good, and His glory.

Good Things, Revisited

2011-07-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

I am a dreamer. I am a romantic. I am an idealist. I don't believe that "reality" should necessarily be viewed as a "threat" to the dreamer's heart. I believe our heart's deepest longing is ultimately met in Jesus. But there are some things I desire..That I yearn for earnestly. And through a painful and sometime confusing process, the Lord has taught me a thousand lessons that are more precious than my immediate relief. I have found a much sweeter love.

One of my favorite verses that I have been musing over has been from Psalm 83:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and a shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.". In the outset, I read the last half of that verse, holding onto the promise as "God is going to give me good things" in expectant hope. Over time, however, I've begun to have another understanding of this verse, which brings me greater joy. I know that He does provide hope for the future, but He also is not withholding any good from me now. Isn't that like the devil, to make us think that God is holding something back from you, that you could be happier, but He's keeping it out of your reach--instead of realizing that He is my good, satisfying reward and portion for right now, and He will supply every need when I need it. But what I am right now, what I have right now, is enough. There is nothing lacking in the sense that God is withholding something from me that would be for my joy and His glory at this moment in time.

I had a talk with a friend recently about her relationship with her boyfriend, and she lamented that when they first started dating, she found her drive for God was gone. She had so much centered her prayers, her longings, her heart, and her faith on this blessing that she sought that once she had it she realized that she had made the blessing the ultimate thing. I pray that I never seek the blessing for the blessing's sake, instead of only desiring that I might know Jesus more through it. I don't want it to become a snare to turn away from Him, but to become another means to know His love, grace, goodness and to worship Him through it. Seeking a blessing itself will only lead to what Ecclesiastes calls "vanity". As the Medieval theologian Augustine put it in his book Confessions,

"The good which you love is from Him. But it is only as it is related to Him that it is good and sweet. Otherwise it will justly become bitter; for all that comes from Him is unjustly loved if He has been abandoned."

May we find our greatest source of joy in Jesus, for He is our good, and the only way to realizing the good within all the good things He gives us.

He is Our Good

2011-06-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

To go against God, to turn away from Him, is to reject and to refuse life, peace, love, goodness, purity, freedom, delight and our natural, created purpose; it is to reject a relationship with our God and Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. It is to embrace foolishness, destruction, death, judgement, slavery, spiritual poverty, unrest, greedy discontentment, hatred, dishonor, arrogance (thinking that which is not true about yourself), deception and unfaithfulness towards God. To reject the gospel is to reject all that is good, even to our own death.

Rambles on Perfectionism, Grace and the Gospel

2011-03-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Where do I start? My head and heart are spinning. I try not to make my blogs too diary-esque, but at this point it may become a little touchy-feely/why-don't-you-just-write-this-in-your-journal-like. But because my mind is full of so much, and for the sake of going against my perfectionist legalism which declares the potential for failure enough of a reason to avoid something altogether, I'm going to write. It's silly that I feel the need to justify my reasons for writing anyway...

I feel so many tugs and pulls in my heart and mind lately. I've had tremendous blessings, and yet I've come to see a lot of idols in my heart. Really, does anyone else struggle with condemnation like I do? Does anyone else just find it really hard to find the light of God's grace sometimes because it's like your mind is just drowning in the voices? Legalism and pride have such a strong grip! The Lord offers me no condemnation, but I think I'm a better Christian if I beat myself up about something. When I'm presented with the realization of God's grace, I am sometimes amazed to where it seems too free--it's so radical. I try too hard, or I dream too much about the ideal. And set my own standards strictfully, lawfully above God's. God's called me to faith--a righteousness through faith! A walking by the Spirit. Romans 8, Galatians--it's all over the New Testament. Thank the Lord that the law was not the end--that the law cannot save, but only Jesus. But man o man how amazing did our transgressions show God's amazing heart! Did you ever think about that? How we who have put our faith in Christ can know mercy and grace because of our sin in an amazing, personal way that we might never have known, had the fruit never been eaten? I don't know--or claim to know, or even dare try to know--what it would be like if sin had never entered humanity's heart. But I marvel at the beauty of the gospel shown through so much ugly wickedness. And isn't that what Paul talks about in the Corinthians? How His power is made perfect in weakness? Isn't that what the cross showed--that through the most evil deed of murdering Christ God showed His incredible strength of love, forgiveness and perfect justice? It's too beautiful! It seems too beautiful to be true, doesn't it? Don't let the story of the cross become something you speed read over because you've heard it too much.

Another pull on my heart has been missions. I don't just mean going to another country. I mean sharing the gospel where I am. I don't mean just looking at the great commission as another "law"--although I do believe the Lord has commanded it to us. It sometimes feels like the difference between an extraordinary and ordinary life to me. I've been noticing this, practically, in the way I face school. Last semester I despised my classes..I looked at my campus as a chore, something that was mostly just for "getting my classes"--and seeing it as a hindrance to working at the church. Segregating one part of your life under the title of "Holy work" and another as "Secular Work" can be dangerous, and it will make you hate that which you denote as "ordinary". I believe your whole entire life can be dedicated to Jesus, for His glory and His mission. You can even brush your teeth to the glory of Jesus...I mean is there ever a moment you can't pray, you can't joyfully thank God for everything and meditate upon Him? Your life is new--and new through faith because of what Jesus has done for you!! Ah, how I wish to better realize this...That it didn't end at the cross, but that Jesus rose--that our lives are new, alive, new creatures!! That all of that thick pollution is a part of the "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Cor. 6:11) This destroys our pride. Yep, you did absolutely mess up. Yes, you deserved death. You deserved to be cursed. All that condemnation..You earned it. BUT BUT BUT don't forget what Christ has done!! Recognize your sinfulness outside of Jesus---but realize that sin doesn't define you anymore!! This has been an encouragement to me lately...Christ has given us a new identity. Crazy. And it's not earned!! There is no room for boasting and pride there. Crazy. And so you get no credit for it, it's all 100% HIM.

This being said, what can be said but to declare God's grace...I run as to get the prize. And He gets the glory and worship...No matter what comes along the way or how much I struggle. His grace is ever sufficient. He is good.

2011-03-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes God highlights verses to me, and sometimes He brings to mind scripture at random times--sometimes even those I haven't read for quite some time. This morning, I woke up with this being repeated over and over (which was, of course, very timely):

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:19)

His Word is alive when the Holy Spirit uses it, speaks it, into our hearts. I need that. We all need that. I find it so easy to fall into legalistic reading, to hide behind knowledge, making the pursuit of truth more important than being changed by Jesus. But the Lord doesn't want obedient robots, those who can speak with perfect christian intelligence, who can baffle an atheist in a debate. He wants surrender. He wants a faith that actually costs us something...That's going to cause us to feel out of control and maybe even panic for some time when we see the cliff's edge so near our feet. This is tough, but the alternative is a life that will never get to fully embrace, taste and see that the Lord is good. Suffering and trials are painful, but there is a special fellowship with Jesus that we get to savor that we couldn't before. Isn't it about loving Jesus, not about getting the christian "gold star"? Oh Lord, save me from loving safety, security, and "perfection" over You...Jesus is so much more beautiful than that.

Mediums of the Heart

2011-02-17T16:52:00.000-08:00

What form could contain the organs
Of a heart untold?
Could its essence be poured
into a vial
Scribbled on a page
Stretched out with bow and string?
Perhaps it could be molded
Set in clay
Sealed in envelope
To be flown across the seas
Of If it were caste
Into flesh and marrow
Would it sprout wings
Or crawl without two feet?

Cathedral

2011-02-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

How I yearn
in the beams of dawn
Piercing the earth
Like Jacob's ladder
In the hallow chambers
Of heaven
Taking in the perfume
Of nature's sighs
Reverently praising
In this stain glassed chamber

2011-02-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

Shadows
Draped, stretched transparent
out to dry
Behind trunk, stem & stone
Stars
wavering, waltzing
on the iris' balcony arches
glittering through austral, wincing glee
Light
landing, aging
x-ray of veins, leafy marrow and pore
Heat
caressing, muffling
warm as the womb
where the heavens were born

Heavenly Dreams

2011-02-17T15:03:00.000-08:00

Is it natural to be restless? Is it normal to feel both a need to be accepted, yet always feel a need to shake the mold you've placed yourself in? Is there such a thing as a dream being "fulfilled"? Is there ever a place in life where you can say, "This is it"? Honestly, I am a little afraid of being and feeling settled. It seems like you've become a little too content in a world that isn't meant to be our home. I have some dreams. But I know they won't be as wonderful as I imagine them to be--at least in the sense of them being "ultimate", where the story reaches an end and the journey's rise and climb has reached it's greatest glory. It believe it's like it says in Hebrews, that we look forward to a heavenly country(Heb. 11:6). Yet even so, I believe it gets better. We look forward to a heavenly King.

For most of my life, I have left the Kingdom of God as highly underrated...Transparently, throughout high school I was afraid of it. If Jesus returned, I wouldn't get to see the world, get married, become a worship leader (like the vision God has given me seemed to suggest), finish college and work some kind of job that may actually be enjoyable(in my mind, a writer and/or a worship leader, once again). I think to some degree that some of this was not bad. After all, I wanted to live the life God's given me, and live out His plan for my life. But the longer I live, the more I see how so many of the fairytales that always lay before me dragging me forward are not really something I can run my fingers through. They're either phantoms or figures with a much humbler appearance than I could tell when started earlier on the road. Although this could lead to depression (apart from Christ), it has led me to have different desires stirred up. Dreams of the hope that will never disappoint(Romans 5:5). It is my belief that all of those stirrings were really for my true destiny and future in Christ.

I'm not suggesting that we should all ditch this world and that there is no purpose, meaning, or joy in this place in the here-and-now, but instead, due to my own fault of looking for a climax in this earth, I am bringing to light the beauty of our future inheritance. I do not understand why we do not celebrate the return of Christ more, why there is not an excitement to return to Christ. He has saved us, He is sanctifying us throughout this life day-by-day, and one day..He will complete the work He's begun, and save us from the presence of sin and the flesh completely. Looking through Exodus, when God was establishing the stipulations for the passover, He told the Israelites to hold a feast of celebration(see Exodus 12), one in which their entire calendar would be arranged around. Just as the Israelites celebrated their salvation from the slavery of Egypt, we celebrate both our redemption from the slavery of sin, death and the devil and the anticipation of our freedom to come. I want to be more excited about these wondrous promises! I want to delight and rejoice in the hope that Jesus has saved me, and that one day He is going to come back for us. A very long time after the Exodus, when Jesus was at the last supper with His disciples, He said something beautiful foretelling that He would come back for His bride again: "I tell you I will not drink again of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom.”
(Matthew 26:29 ESV) The sweet salvation story of the gospel hasn't ended yet..Jesus is going to come back. And we will see Him face-to-face. Let's get excited about this hope, this day that will fulfill every dream in the person of Jesus Christ.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw a the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”--Revelation 21:1-4

Freedom

2010-12-29T00:05:00.000-08:00

Without the gospel, your self-image is based upon living up to some standards--whether yours or someone's imposed upon you. If you live up to those standards, you will be confident but not humble. If you don't live up to then, you will be humble but not confident. Only in the gospel can you be both enormously bold and utterly sensitive and humble. For you are both perfect and a sinner!

-Tim Keller, "The Centrality of the Gospel"

Not that We loved Him, but that He loved Us

2010-12-28T23:29:00.000-08:00

All those expressions of unworthiness which Christian practice puts into the believer's mouth seem to the outer world like the degraded and insincere grovellings of a sycophant before a tyrant, or at best a facon de parler like the self-depreciation of a Chinese gentleman when he calls himself "this coarse and illiterate person." In reality, however, they express the continually renewed, because continually necessary, attempt to negate that misconception of ourselves and of our relation to God which nature, even while we pray, is always recommending to us. No sooner do we believe that God loves us than there is an impulse to believe that He does so, not because He is Love, but because we are intrinsically lovable.

The Pagans obeyed this impulse unabashed; a good man was "dear to the gods" because he was good. We, being better taught, resort to subterfuge. Far be it from us to think we have virtues for which God could love us.

...Beaten out of this, we next offer our own humility to God's admiration. Surely He'll like that? Or if not that, our clear-sighted and humble recognition that we still lack humility. Thus, depth beneath depth and subtlety within subtlety, there remains some lingering idea of our own, our very own, attractiveness. It is easy to acknowledge, but almost impossible to realize for long, that we are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us. Surely we must have a little--however little--native luminosity?

--C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves"

Sehnsucht

2010-12-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

O with ever passing light
With every arrival of verdant birth
I glimpse
the world of gold

O how little
I have dreamed!
O how little
I have wanted!

I look for the rainbow
and forget
the pot of gold.

Ringing in My Head

2010-11-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

Not really a post of things I have written, but a list of verses that have been ringing in my head (and heart)..And also a quote from a book by John Piper, a man that God uses to excite me about the gospel.

I feel like God's sovereignty has been a theme lately that the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me about. I often feel so out of control, wonder at what I must do or what must happen for what I consider ideal..Then God steps in and reminds me that I am His tool--my service is for HIS plans that HE is initiating..He allows me to play a part, YES, buut I take a part in a work He is already doing--I don't really start something new for Him. Futhermore, He has been reminding me that He is the One who provides my every need (this is a broad concept--by need I mean all the "roles" that I feel need to be filled, all the things I feel must happen for me to live "happily ever after" of sorts). Of course I already have "known" of His being my provider in the general sense, but through walking with Him and growing up with Jesus, He begins to show me what that looks like in new ways. It's so simple when you're a child.

Growing up with Jesus is sweet, though, because you begin to see and witness the truth of His promises in fresh, deeper and more personal ways. As I once heard a pastor describe it, it's like how we believe in gravity--we all know it exists because we've been taught about it and have experienced it on a basic level. But we would believe it in a whole new way if we jumped from a skyscraper--then we would know it at a much deeper level. This is what it is like to grow in our faith..

..And now I leave you with what I originally planned to share before I started rambling:

[5] The LORD descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the LORD. [6] The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, [7] keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation.” [8] And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped.
(Exodus 34:5-8 ESV)

[10] “Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
(Psalm 46:10 ESV)

(*Note: God is going to make His Name and Ways known. Yes, we seek to glorify Him, but ultimately He is the One who reveals Himself.)

[9] The heart of man plans his way,
but the LORD establishes his steps.
(Proverbs 16:9 ESV)
(*Note: God is the One who leads us, who brings us into places where He asks us to serve Him.)

When we celebrate the gospel of Christ and the love of God, and when we lift up the gift of salvation, let us do it in such a way that people will see through it to God Himself..May they say, 'Christ is all!' Or, to use the words of the psalmist, 'May those who love your salvation say evermore, 'God is great!'" (Psalm 70:4). Not mainly, "Salvation is great," but "God is great!"

--From John Piper's God is the Gospel, discussing how the point of the gospel is intimacy with our God Himself. Let us not forget that salvation is not about gaining heaven (although that does come along with faith in Jesus), but gaining God Himself!

Thoughts on "Surprised by Grace"

2010-10-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

I came across some thoughts this morning that I had scribbled in my journal from a book called "Surprised by Grace". It might sound weird, but reading the old entries encouraged me, so I thought I would share some of these thoughts. The words in italics are from the book.

"Obedience that honors God flows from a heart that loves Him...And yet, although Jonah's obedience was so flawed, God still used him to accomplish His purpose in Nineveh."

Although we should be running from sin and a repentant people, we must not hold back our obedience to God's call because we are afraid of failing. Do we really think that our mistakes are great enough to ruin the plans of the Almighty God? Don't let fear of failure keep you back from what God has clearly called you to..."Believing fully that salvation belongs to the Lord means that you place ultimate trust in Christ's efforts, not your own." God doesn't accept you because you read your Bible, pray and go to church. He accepts you because Jesus took the wrath of God upon Himself, which you accepted when you had faith in Him. Yes, you don't deserve this ministry position. You will never be worthy of it. But God sees Jesus and considers it right. Jesus' blood and life covers you. Jesus is why we are saved, why we are accepted by God, why we can enter into fellowship with Him.

"Submitting self to God is the only real freedom--because the deepest slavery is self-dependence, self-reliance. When you live your life believing everything (family, finances, relationships, career) depends primarily on you, you're enslaved to your strengths and weaknesses. You're trying to be your own savior. Freedom comes when we start trusting in God's abilities and wisdom instead of our own. Real life begins when we transfer our trust from our own efforts to the efforts of Christ."

If your life is dependent on your own abilities, you will only be as strong as man. If your life is dependent upon Christ, however, the possibilities of what you can do through Him is inexhaustible--you are limited to what GOD can do.

Spiritual Schizophrenia

2010-07-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

The past eight months of my life at home has been rather "chaotic". This is not due to my parents having any problems, but to a relative of ours that has been suffering from a mental illness known as schizophrenia that my parents have begun caring for. Without going in depth talking about my family life, I want to highlight some points about the illness, because I believe that a lot of normal, healthy people can exhibit similar symptoms (though I'll admit I'm overlooking some symptoms that may be prominent, just please bear with me) in their spiritual life due to sin.

Let me first point out the obvious: Schizophrenia is a sickness of the mind. It interferes with the sufferer's ability to make commonsense decisions, to connect with reality and to build healthy friendships. Some of those with the illness have "delusions of grandeur", where they believe they are God, or some other important figure, and become lost in an imaginary world in their heads. This makes it extremely difficult for a person with this disorder to function as a normal human being in the real world we live in. It becomes especially difficult when the individual cannot understand that he/she needs help, and that others are the ones who are sane and truly want to help them.

Spiritually speaking, so many of these symptoms happen as a result of sin in a person's spiritual life(how they respond to God). There is the ever-persistent pride, who scews reality, telling one that life is the story of Me, that I "deserve" to be noticed and praised, and that I am most important. This is naturally pleasant to believe in our flesh, but it is also a complete lie. On the other side of the coin, humility is not about denying any worth of yourself to be "good" like you "ought", but seeing yourself as you truly are--and then not making so much of a deal over yourself because of it.

Sin can also make healthy relationships impossible. When sin entered the world, not only did it separate us from God, but it also severed the fellowship between man-and-man. Sin is never a private ordeal, it hurts you, but it also hurts others--gossip, greed and jealousy never brought anyone into a true, loving friendship with one another. Sin only cares about the preservation of the individual, and shines the spotlight on self.

The ability to not recognize a need is a spiritual blindness that the unbeliever suffers from (2 Cor. 4:3-4), and makes the idea of salvation and the cross seem ridiculous(1 Cor. 1:18). You cannot save someone who doesn't believe he's in grave danger.
God said He's good, that He is love, that we are "sick" and in need of a new heart & mind through His work, but many believe sin's lies. The fruit looks too sweet, the fragrance of its juice too seductive. They would rather trade their dream-world for God's reality, and it may seem blissful for a time, but the sobering truth will one day be presented to them, and they will be held accountable for their choice.

Thankfully, we have a God who is greater than our sin! He has provided a way through the cross to redeem us from our fatal state. He is stronger than the devil, the enemy of our souls. His Spirit can reach through the fog of our sin-birthed fantasies and show us the glorious reality of Christ. The truth of God is more beautiful, precious and glorious than the earthy dreams and hopes of man. Through His salvation(and by His grace), His Spirit and His Word we can walk in the Truth and live Life eternally.

A Psalm of Sorts (almost..)

2010-07-20T22:06:00.001-07:00

Oh LORD God, my God, the one who formed me, the One who is sovereign over all the earth and all that is in it, the One who loved me first with a steadfast and perfect love, the One who has listened to my cry, the One who saved me, redeemed me, has given me value and beauty, purpose and life! The One who has made me of worth because of Your love, the One who has given me hope and joy, an identity, security, peace, purity, who has made me pure before the sight of God, able to boldly enter Your sacred, holy presence, who has chosen me, cared for me, dwells within me, pursued me, guides me, who is saving me and will save me at the end of time, in the culmination of Your great plan! You satisfy my every need, You overshadow every trial, You grow me, reveal Yourself and Your mind to me through Your Spirit living within me, You are my judge and my defender, the One who cleansed me, the One who has no need of me yet loves me--and even when I was against You. You gave Your all for our failings, You fulfilled the law that I could not keep, You took on the curse that I deserved, even though You were the only perfect, sinless and holy One. You had salvation on Your mind even when the first sin was committed in the garden..You are a God who saves, who loves, who gives in fullness of grace! Thank You, Lord. Let my heart rejoice in Your salvation, and live and walk in this life You've given me.

No One Like Him

2010-06-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Something that God's been teaching me is to meditate upon His person and declare His praises before I am so quick to rattle off my own cares and burdens or "obligations" to the Lord in prayer. Doing so reminds me of who I am talking to, of the smallness of me, and how much of what He has already accomplished and who He is answers my heart's deepest cries. Sometimes I need to stop listening to myself, and start preaching to myself. It's funny, the Lord has brought me to a place where I am actually convicted when I begin to get started on one of those pity-parties when things don't go the way I want them to. He gently reminds me that no, I know that that is not reality. I know better. I may not be able to know the future, but I DO know who my God is. And that, in of itself, is enough to fully content and bring peace to my soul when I fully drink it in, when I place my faith in Him. Verses in the Bible reassuring us of God's love and sovereignty weren't just placed there to make us feel warm and fuzzy long enough until we get that "thing" we so desire after. No, it is there because it is truth, and the Lord is not a means to an end..He is the end. Everything in between, THOSE were the shadows, those situations that the Lord uses to glorify Himself and lead us to Him, the greater reality, the truer good, the one Thing we have truly been looking for all along. Why do we wander? Why do we have such a shallow appetite, so easily satisfied? Let us look deeply into His face, craving Him above all else! There is NO ONE like Him!

But God...

2010-06-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy
Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore. Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead's deepest sea; be lost in His immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know nothing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead.

-C.H. Spurgeon

Looking Forward

2010-06-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

Note #1: This photo holds no relevance to this post, I just felt a great need for some creative flair to this post--be it random or not!
Note #2: Some of these comments in this post seem almost unnecessary, but somehow I just need to refocus where my mind's at when it comes to writing here--I am naturally unstructured in thought!

After playing around with this blog for some time, I think that I will now use this "blog" thing for sharing what God's been teaching me as I pursue Him in this relatively new "chapter" of my life. In November 2009 I joined Crossroads Christian Fellowship, and recently started an internship there, and since joining the church I can honestly say it has changed my life. With this new time in my life, and with this crazy wave of growth that God has started in the process, I feel inclined to use at least the majority of what I write here to be sharing things that God is placing on my heart.

It's funny and humbling to realize that when I share a part of my life with others, trying my best to be transparent and give all I can (while exerting grace to myself because I know I am so mistake/accident prone and a sinner saved by the grace that God showed me on the cross), that He uses that somehow to bless others. It's crazy to me, but I love it, and it's an encouragement to stay close to Jesus and humbly give all that I am--even when I feel so awkward, young and inexperienced most of the time. All He asks is that I follow Him, and His grace is more than enough to cover all of my sin and failings. We just have to keep striving forward, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith (Heb. 12:2)! His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9-10). I want to give Him all that I have, and truth Him with the rest (Phil. 3:12-14).

Tissue

2010-05-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

I know you don’t know me

But I sit behind you

Two desks back in History Three-ten

And I would not say something

But it has been hanging there

For three weeks straight

I am sorry

If I made your cheeks

Turn red

Memories

2010-05-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Rejected Hero

2010-05-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote this three or four years ago. Now reading it again, I see how it could be improved, but I will humbly re-post it (for the moment!) in it's imperfect glory...

"Tomorrow, tomorrow," the young lively boy did cry. "Not now, not now---tomorrow you can save my life." He went about, laughing at the fire. Skipping and playing but would not stop to kneel and pray.

Then I spotted a young woman flirting with her wine.
"Tomorrow, tomorrow," the shallow girl did cry. "Not now, not now, tomorrow you can save my life."
She opened her mouth to give forth a smile but where lie the teeth lived black decay, for I saw lust had eaten life's happiness away.

A rejected hero, I walked past the naive youth and corrupted woman when I came across a feeble hunchback who sat gnarly like a wizened oak.

Surely he would listen.

Surely he would let me save his life.

His faded grey eyes lifted to meet mine
as I stood before him frozen in time.
In clenched fist he held his life
In the other he held eternal life

"Today, today," I mummered in the hush. "Right now, right now, only today can I save your life."

And nothing was said for quite some time but a battle was growing louder with strife.
And I felt the strain of one hundred years of pain.
Then I watched his fingers peel away
As I watched the weight drop of ten thousand days of struggle and rubble.

Then a light drop of the knees

A never ending kissing of my feet

A flood of waters flooding the ground.

The sound of life and freedom at last to be found.

The wandering victim has found life's end
The man has taken the time to take the Saviour's hand.

As Christ loved the Church

2010-05-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

"It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love."--Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"[Marriage] is a parable of permanence written from eternity about the greatest story that ever was. The parable is about Christ and his church. It has been a great honor to take this stage with you. What exalted roles we have been given to play! Someday I will take your hand, and stand on this stage, and make one last bow. The parable will be over, and the everlasting Reality will begin."--John Piper to his wife

God blows my mind. It starts with such a small, shallow desire, and God takes it and causes it to bloom into a magnificent unfolding of His bigger, beautiful plan. He graciously takes my childlike prayers and shows me how His plans are all I've really wanted to begin with and more. Oh the beauty of the gospel--God revealed to us, God with us, God's love and grace and person expressed to us through the work of the cross! His gospel expands our vision and puts everything in perspective. As C.S. Lewis once said, we are far too easily satisfied. We desire bread and He gives us the bread of life--and that even of Himself.

God is Good

2010-03-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

God is still good when what He does doesn't look like our definition of good. No really, He is GOOD. Not just good in the "well, the Bible says He's good" way, but in the really-truly-good-good way. Sometimes this is obvious, but sometimes I get the "vegetables are good for me" mentality, where God's will is going to be good FOR me, but not something I will really take joy in. Lord, give me eyes to see Your goodness!

You can never go wrong

2010-03-24T22:17:00.001-07:00

With Andrew Bird. Oh boy.

Wisdom Needed

2010-03-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

This is going to sound cyriptic, and to be honest, so stereotypically bloggish that it'll probably sound corny. But I need to vent in a visual way, so I'm sorry. Somehow making it public makes me feel better about it. You can skip over this if you want.

When is holding onto a dream an act of faith, and when is it just plain being foolish? How do you determine if something is from God, or if it is just you stamping God's name on it? Why is it so hard to know? Why is it so hard to maintain a kind of pious "numbness" to everything, standing on tiptoe and never falling too far to the left or the right? What do you do when after everything seemed to serve as a confirmation, then everything comes to a halt--as if God was dangling something in your face, and just as it drew close enough for you to touch it it was gone? I know God doesn't tease us. I know He isn't try to drive me insane. But His silence, this confusion, not knowing what is going on and not knowing how to react and what to hope for--it drives me insane sometimes. I want to love Jesus more, regardless of whether He calls me to lay Issac on the alter and drop the knife, or to ready myself knife in hand until He tells me "enough, this is for you to keep."

2010-02-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. (The Weight of Glory, 26)

Prayer in faith

2010-02-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

"When we pray for God to do what only he can do, he alone gets the glory while we get the joy. (John 14:13, 16:24)... God is the overflowing fountain; we are satisfied with the living water. He is infinitely rich; we are the happy heirs."--ESV study Bible

More than Food

2010-02-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

And Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness 2 for forty days, being tempted by the devil. And he ate nothing during those days. And when they were ended, he was hungry. 3 The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread.” 4 And Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone.’”--Luke 4:1-4 (ESV)

Satan tempted Jesus to use his power to satisfy his own desires rather than trusting in God to supply all that he needed during this temptation. Man shall not live by bread alone (Deut. 8:3). Satisfying one's need for food is not as important as trusting and obeying God. (ESV study Bible)

I am so weak...I am praying, praying for a hunger and a thirst for following God like this. Psalm 63

There are

2010-02-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

too many words in me, clawing to get out, hidden beneath the tangle of yesterday and tomorrow, beneath the weight of colors and emotional rhyme.

I Want to Treasure the Word

2010-02-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

THE BIBLE contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable. Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you.

It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed.

CHRIST is its grand subject, our good the design, and the glory of God its end.

It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure. It involves the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents.

--Gideon Bible intro

Tomorrow is Febuary Fourteenth

2010-02-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

Lover's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle—
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea—
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?"
— Percy Bysshe Shelley

My Heart Soars

2010-02-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

"There is such a place as fairyland - but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland."
— L.M. Montgomery (The Story Girl)

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
— C.S. Lewis

"It had always seemed to Emily, ever since she could remember, that she was very, very near to a world of wonderful beauty. Between it and herself hung only a thin curtain; she could never draw the curtain aside - but sometimes, just for a moment, a wind fluttered it and then it was as if she caught a glimpse - and heard a note of unearthly music."
— L.M. Montgomery (Emily of New Moon)

"But Mole stood still a moment, held in thought. As one wakened suddenly from a beautiful dream, who struggles to recall it, but can recapture nothing but a dim sense of the beauty in it, the beauty! Till that, too, fades away in its turn, and the dreamer bitterly accepts the hard, cold waking and all its penalties."
— Kenneth Grahame (The Wind in the Willows)

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw a the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, l am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
--Rev. 21:1-7 (The Story that every other Story points to)

I want to

2010-01-31T21:33:00.000-08:00

let go and just love Jesus.

But just because I love Jesus the most doesn't mean I won't love anything else. Just because He is my life doesn't mean other things will not take up my time. And just because I surrender and let Him fill every inch of me doesn't mean I will never desire more than I have.

Unless I am missing something. Unless I am not fully in love, living for Him, surrendered and filled to the brim full of Jesus.

I do know that this is not my home. And I do know that we are always striving forward, that God has plans and miracles to work through me in this short time I spend breathing on this green earth. Each and every day has a purpose, and I look forward to climbing up to those milestones, where I can look out over the landscape filled with a rainbow of moments and see that God is good, and He is faithful and will continue to be as I continue the climb.

I wish it was as easy as just loving Jesus, but there are mountains, and there are valleys, and there are times when it's a mix between the two. But maybe, if I could just love Jesus, the road would feel a little more smooth.

Pain in the Offering

2010-01-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

This is from an old paper I wrote some years ago for an English class about how Christ redeemed and transformed a horrible situation of the death of an amazing friend of mine. It's a little old, but the story of the power of God's hand through it all will never be too old to tell...

Two years ago, my parents called my brother and me to their bedroom. I knew by the quiet stillness of the room that this was no ordinary family meeting, for the atmosphere was much too solemn. "Sit down," my father told us. Panic gripped my heart. I did not want to hear the news that turned my mother's constantly sunny countenance into a grave one. I did not want to hear news so serious that I had to sit down to learn of it. But just as one must, amid the terror, look over the edge of a cliff once at the top, I had to listen to the news addressed to me. I reluctantly sat down.

"I just got off the phone with Pastor Paul," my father began, "and he told me that yesterday Phil was fooling around with a friend and there was an accident. As Phil's friend was leaving the driveway he put the car in drive instead of reverse while Phil was walking around the front of the car. When his friend stepped on the gas he pinned Phil to the garage door, and he was killed." What could I do but cry? It was as if my hand, something I had always expected to exist, was cut off in my sleep, only to wake up the next morning to find only a bloody wrist in it's place.

After a time of weeping and prayer together I left to mourn in the solitude of my room. I climbed onto my bed and stared the blank stare of one looking beyond the blurred walls and into the past. Short and random visions of Phil's smile, chuckle and odd greetings flashed before me. A tall, skinny young man, Phil in the past year had experienced a transformation of heart, and consequently a change in appearance as well. The old Phil featured spiked chokers, dressed in black clothing from head to toe and topped if off with dying his hair black, despite the fact that his true color always returned after a swim. But the dark dress disappeared once he turned his life over to Christ. This "changed Phil" was the one I came to know and love. When I joined the high school group at church I saw him around and talked to him a bit, but I never really came to know him well enough to call him a friend until we both joined the worship team. I stood in front, singing alongside my parents, and he stood behind us playing the bass. If I did not say hello to him during practice, he would greet me from behind, making sure I returned his "Hello". He always took the time to hug me, no matter how busy he was and always took the last seat next to mine. Then there was the last time I had seen him. At the other end of the room, surrounded by friends and conversation he stopped, made his way to where I stood and gave me a simple side hug, ending with his head on mine. He had never done that before.

The following day after hearing the news, my mother, brother and I made a trip to Phil's mother's house to visit. I brought two cards, neatly signed for his mother and brother. The car ride was quiet, and as we walked up to the house we were faced with the misshapen garage door, adorned with flowers, photos and candles. There laid the evidence before me, just as the story had been told.

The tale continued to reveal it's veracity in red-eyed friends, shaking figures, long-held hugs and the half-spoken half-sobbed whispers. Kathleen, Phil's mother, somehow managed to smile through the tears as David, Phil's brother, remained stiff and reserved. The evidence before me caused the emotions to resurface, yet as I entered the house I was greeted with familiar voices, embraces and knowing smiles. Where words were lacking, sharing the pain formed a comforting bond between us.

After hovering around in Phil's living room, I joined a few of my friends, headed into the back yard and was offered snacks and drinks. "We have to remember to eat," a friend of mine stated. Eating at that moment felt like watching cartoons after witnessing a bombing raid, but we took them anyway.

"Phil wouldn't want us to cry," Aaron, one of the boys outside with us stated, "he'd want us to be happy for him. He's where he always wanted to be—in heaven." Of course we knew that. We are Christians with a hope. But Phil was still not here.

The door to the house opened and Phil's aunt stepped onto the porch, inspecting and circling around the potted plants hanging from the roof and lying around the side of the house. "These plants look horrible!" she complained, fidgeting around the backyard. "Someone start watering these flowers up here. They're terribly dry." We all knew the plants were fine, but we watered them anyway.

Walking around and doing as we were told, my heart was heavy yet I did not know how much grief was due in my relationship with him. I was his friend, yet I had not been his best friend or the closest. I had known and loved him, but I had not returned the same eagerness to know him as he had shown to me.

A Wednesday night church service followed that day of mourning, and all of the worship team was present except for the bass player in the back. There was no one behind me to greet me. I was expected to sing like every other day, to stand tall and breathe--to smile as normal and reply with "I'm good, how are you?" like every other day.

"Tonight I picked songs that Phil loved." our worship leader explained. Loved. Past tense. Why did everyone speak of him in past tense?

We sang through the set as usual, but the missing instrumental gap echoed the hole in our hearts. Lifting my eyes to the music sheet, I stared at the lyrics to a song that was all too familiar, one I had often sang without really paying any attention. It was not a clapping or a force-a-smile song. It was utterly honest: "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name….You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." Tears of a mixed sort flowed, for now I could smile a different smile, one that knew not only suffering and regret but also absence and presence, repentance and forgiveness, death and Life. I could not sing without choking up and I could not listen without crying, but I could now smile through the tears as we sang in unison, "Lord, blessed be Your name."

Finals (and other things to keep one busy)

2009-12-15T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've come to realize my new form of escape includes "not thinking about it" and listening to too much wonderful music. Oh Jesus, become my true escape before my ear drums fail me and my mind goes into shock!

When God Gives

2009-12-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

"...The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
-Job 1:21

Sometimes it is good to reflect, good to let the present pass by unnoticed. I had a few of those moments recently...Opening my book of recorded days passed by (read: JOURNAL), I was left in awe of just how many prayers God has answered over the past year. I had surrendered dreams to Him, and as of late I have seen Him give them generously right back to me.

- He asked me to give Him my ministry of worship, which I held onto like my first name. I tearfully handed it over, even though I did not understand.

- He asked me to give Him my friendships, one of which is the closest I've ever had. I numbed my heart and gave it over.

- He asked me to give up my plans for marriage, that of ideals and of my controlling the situation. In a gradual long process, I slowly let go and prayed, "God, I just want You..."

Look down the road a matter of months, and God started the rebuilding.

- He sent me to a new church, and asked me to make it my new home. My heart was filled with many fears, doubts, and joys as I faced this leap of faith, but He is faithful, and I hear Him speak regularly through the body there, and it has truly become my "home" church.

- He sent me many friends through my new church family, dear friends who love the Lord and serving Him with a passion. Through them God has taught me the importance of connection and being of one accord. Few things are so sweet as the fellowship with the saints.

- He sent me many promises about my future husband, that of which I cannot yet claim to the whole blogging world. But I can say that the things He has revealed have filled me with joy, because I know His promises are true, and I know it's standing at my door. I cannot wait to watch His plan unravel! Knowing God is setting you up with Someone is a wonderful experience, I must say.

Sometimes God asks us to give, but He does not "give as the world gives"...Know that whenever God asks you to sacrifice something on the alter, He will always give you something back--that is, a revelation of Himself. Sometimes He just wants us to give those dreams back to Him.

Hearts & Flowers: part one...

2009-09-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that many of the photos I've been saving these days have been of couples. Perhaps it is a result of nineteen dateless years catching up on me.

(Illustration by Enkana. As for the rest, I forget, but id you know who the artists are, please let me know so I can give credit!)

Also, if you have not, I encourage you to watch the trailer for Paper-Heart here. I've never seen it, but it looks adorable!

Somwhere Between Here and There

2009-08-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds."
— G.K. Chesterton

Unpredictability Sounds Good

2009-04-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Asthmatic Kitty's indie child Sufjan Stevens for a few years now, and have come to befriend a few others such as Danielson, My Brightest Diamond and Welcome Wagon along the way. But just a few weeks ago I found a completely different artist joining the crew.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. Hermas Zopoula from Burkina Faso:

Attention from Asthmatic Kitty on Vimeo.

Disabilities or Blessings?

2009-01-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

Why is it fascinating to note that many artistic geniuses had some kind of physical "problem"?

Get this--

LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN was deaf
JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH went blind
VINCENT VAN GOGH cut off his own ear (maybe he thought it would increase his talent?)
GIOACCHINO ROSSINI had neurasthenia (which is a fancy way of saying he had mental problems)

Care to read more? This is very fascinating: http://www.cracked.com/article_16559_7-eccentric-geniuses-who-were-clearly-just-insane.html

Musicans generally unrecognized by the grand populace

2009-01-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

If you've heard of these, your name is probably Lindsey. Or maybe you just get around in your superior indie state! If that's the case, you should probably be the one teaching me. But just in case someone out there hasn't been enlightened of these people, here's a list of persons who make interesting sounds:

The Welcome Wagon: Fresh off the Asthmatic Kitty printing press comes this pastor and wife duo oozing with Suf(jan Stevens). Mr. and Mrs. Aiuto are a breath of fresh air to those who gave up on the christian music radio stations long ago. You won't find any "happy happy!" songs here--The Welcome Wagon team birth their songs from Methodist hymnals and shape-note songbooks(when "new" turns into "old", go for vintage!). Give them a listen and then throw your money at them: http://asthmatickitty.com/musicians.php?artistID=22

The Acorn: I give Paste the credit for my discovery of this exotic band. Imagine an endless field of long yellow grass (think "safari") scattered with tepees, and a place where the sky is not an unreachable mass of air but an empty canvas with potential for rustic reds, oranges and yellows that you could paint with just the tip of your finger.The Acorn is the band you would hear in this world. Now that that image is vivid in your mind, let me give you a sound to that picture (don't leave just yet!): fast-paced acoustic guitar pickings and percussion reminiscent of Sigur Ros' "Gobbledigook" (read: you are running through this field, not "walking at a leisurely pace". Unless you walk like me), female vocals a la Tori Amos, a touch of Indian(from India) strings sing in a trancelike state, the clave reminds of us wood acoustics and organic surroundings (there's definitely some oak trees in this neighborhood) and wordless chanting ornaments their natural sound (I told you there were tepees). If that wasn't enough, I guess you could go listen to The Acorn yourself: http://theacorn.ca/

Abigail Washburn: I could say she's bluegrass and leave you with that. But really, this woman deserves more than just a sentence. Especially since yall need so much convincing. Gosh.
Washburn certainly does play (banjo) in the bluegrass style. But she also collaborates with her band The Sparrow Quartet featuring some sweet stringed instruments (so much fun in pieces like "Kanding Qingge", a popular folk song in China. Cool.) and sings naturally in the country style--but without too much obnoxious twang. Give her a listen: abigailwashburn.com

To be continued when I have more time and patience!